I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize