hotel room ftw
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
