Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
