that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
