the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
