A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
So much Jack, so little girl.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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