and my herpes radar will keep us safe
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize