It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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