I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
