there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
