I think I won the penis lottery.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
