omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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