Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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