so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
