So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
