my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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