I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
