so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
