Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
