if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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