Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
