I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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