I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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