you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Randomize
