Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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