He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I didn't notice because vodka
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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