my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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