everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
