So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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