Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
