So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
