i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
