I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
