last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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