guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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