I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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