I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
