also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
