You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I just had sex on a roof
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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