stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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