that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
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