This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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