Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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