it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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