i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
He shit in the fireplace
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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