not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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