I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
