I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
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