Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
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