Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
