I want to walk on stilts...naked
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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