you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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