sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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