I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
