I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Ambien. No doubt about it.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
