never play flip cup with pint glasses
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
