You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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