just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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