you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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