Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
