Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
