Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
