i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
they need to just BURY HIM!
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
