So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
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