Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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