I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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